How relationships can be toxic.
- Nov 16, 2025
- 8 min read
Toxic relationships are everywhere, why?
Relationships play an important role in our lives. However, they have become a delicate and increasingly complicated topic making it challenging to have conversations about them. In the past, it seemed as though people knew how to act in a relationship, which no longer seems to be the case. In addition, our understanding of what it means to have a healthy relationship seems to also be fading. In my opinion, this is the primary reason why we are seeing an increase in toxic relationships.
Before we dive into the topic, let’s start by looking into definitions. Cambridge defines toxic as causing you a lot of harm or unhappiness over a long period of time. Narcissist is another term that seems to be used frequently these days when discussing toxic relationships. APA defines narcissists as a pattern of traits and behaviour characterized by excessive self-concern and overvaluation of the self. It is important to note that Narcissists tend to have toxic relationships but not all toxic relationships are with narcissists. Since narcissism is a big topic, I will discuss it in greater detail in a future blog.
To be honest, I don’t like using the word ‘toxic’ to describe people. It’s a strong word and should be reserved for people/situations that are warranted. In my view, its meaning has lost value due to its overuse and misuse. This is easy to do since our society seems to have an issue with unhealthy and fragmented relationships, which in turn could end up producing toxic relationships. The importance of relationships has been devalued and it seems that we are not doing enough to foster them. The term 'toxic relationship' was previously used to describe abusive, unhealthy, and dysfunctional relationships that involved manipulation, control, lack of respect, and physical and psychological abuse. Now, not only does it seem that it is applied to most unhealthy relationships, but it's often used to describe someone who simply says or does something that we don't like. In addition, it appears that self reflection has become a rarity and we don’t consider that perhaps we said something wrong or behaved poorly that may have caused it. At one point or another, we have all had done things that can be categorized as ‘toxic’ due to a bad day, lack of sleep, stress, ignorance, etc. We no longer discuss how our actions impact other people. Instead, there seems to be a trend to excuse our behaviour but overreact to others.
What kind of relationship can be toxic? Well, any relationship you have can become toxic. I've noticed that when people talk about toxic relationships, they automatically think of a spouse or boyfriend. As much as I can understand that toxic relationships are more likely to form with those closest to you, there are other ones as well. Such as immediate family and friends. Then there are those that we tend to forget such as competitive relationships which would include classmates, situational friends, work relationships and managers. Toxic work relationships are quickly growing and should be looked at more closely. Then we have extended family, that is less likely unless you are close. With acquaintances it is possible but much less likely since we tend to keep them at arms length. Finally, we have online relationships that are also quickly growing and can have a negative impact on people.
Recognizing toxic behaviours is not easy since it overlaps with unhealthy behaviours. The more obvious ones are in being abusive, narcissistic, manipulative and gaslighting. Then there are other behaviours that can be toxic depending on the context such as keeping score, power differential, controlling and inappropriate behaviour. These behaviours do require more context before labelling them as toxic. For example, a parent and child or a boss and employee relationship will always have a power differential but some take this as being toxic. Then there are behaviours that are often labelled as toxic but are actually unhealthy or even concerning. I find this disingenuous and it helps support my earlier statement that we are classifying all types of relationships as toxic. Some of these behaviours are disrespect, your needs are not met or neglected, hard time communicating, don’t feel free to be autonomous, don’t feel valued, you wonder if you like them or the attention you get from them, passive aggressive, self esteem deteriorating, feel attacked and unsupported, sleeping & eating pattern changed, feel depressed, anxious, bring out the bad qualities in each other, walking on eggshells, you don’t feel your best around them, lack of trust, jealousy, lying, sarcasm. At first glance they may seem like toxic but there are a number of reasons why a person would behave this way. Take ‘your needs are not met or neglected’. This sounds like an individual being neglected of basic needs. If that was the case, it would actually be abuse. This statement doesn’t mention what kind of needs. What if someone demands that those around them follow their schedule and when this need is not met then they call people toxic. This is not toxic, this individual is actually showing unhealthy behaviours while labelling others as toxic. This example I have seen many times. Examples of the other behaviours such as pattern change or feeling depressed, anxious etc, these could have nothing to do with the relationship you are in. Perhaps it is another factor that is causing this or perhaps the individuals’ exceptions are different. There are so many reasons for these behaviours.
Being in a toxic relationship is not easy to recognize at first. There is manipulation involved so it can take some time before you realize it. Some signs to look out for are low esteem, anxiety, depression, burnout and stress related issues such as insomnia, headaches, and digestive issues. Your personal growth can also be hindered. There may be trust issues, isolating oneself and loss of their authentic self. If the relationship is really bad then symptoms can be as severe as self harm or even suicide. If you recognize any of these signs in yourself you should take a step back and try to locate the issue first before labelling it as a toxic relationship.
So how do you deal with a toxic relationship? The first step would be to recognize that you are in one. This may also include a denial period, even if those around you are telling you that you are in a toxic relationship. However, you should also analyze it yourself as well. It may just be a rough patch or perhaps you are the toxic one. If the relationship is with a narcissist then people around you will think you are the problem and it can become isolating. The second step would be to try to have open communication regardless of the type of relationship and personality you are dealing with. Next, I would observe their reaction. Also I would write things down, perhaps even have a journal. This would give you the opportunity to pull back and look at the situation from a different perspective. Some situations can be more complicated than others such as living together or in the work place since there may be consequences. For these ones I would say to approach with caution. There is some advice out there that I would be careful of such as ‘You need to believe that you deserve better and to overcome your low self esteem’ and the constant need to use ‘I’ statements. As much as I do believe that we should all overcome our low self esteem, it doesn’t mean this is from a toxic relationship. Also giving a blanket statement that we all deserve better, in my opinion is a dangerous statement that can fuel our self interest culture and creates disposable relationships. In my view, it is important to have realistic expectations for both ourselves and other people, despite it being challenging. For example, is it really healthy to keep giving an individual who is demanding and never satisfied what they believe they deserve, regardless of the cost? Again, this is an example that I see far too often. Lots of these types of advice don’t foster unity. In order to overcome toxic relationships we should work together, not against each other. We should try to have conversations, instead of clashing. We should place boundaries when needed, especially when you are in a situation that is overwhelming. Seek support when needed with someone you trust, that will be honest (regardless if it’s what you want to hear) and that lines up with your values. And lastly, get someone’s opinion that you don’t agree with. Hearing different viewpoints is a great way to avoid being in a bubble.
Just like almost everything else in our modern lives, relationships too appear to have become fragmented and it seems that we are understanding less of what they truly mean. We don’t seem to love, care, respect or even show dignity to people like we once did. Now, this is not to say that all relationships are like this but it does seem that we investing less in people, especially if there is more effort involved. And we are quick to move on to the next person. This makes being in a toxic relationship even more difficult. Often boundaries are set to protect oneself. Which can lead to more people pulling away and even causing estranged relationships. Another problem could come out of these relationships, is that often the toxic person is good at disguising their own behaviour. This is where gaslighting comes in. The victim is often made to feel that they are blowing things out of proportion, not understanding correctly etc. This can make it difficult to get help or even acknowledgement of the situation. It is even worse if you are dealing with a narcissist since they are good at turning it around on you and playing the victim instead. Even if one becomes estranged from the narcissist, we can still be associated with them, which can make it seem like we're the problem, even when boundaries have been established. This one I know well, from personal experience.
In conclusion, toxic relationships are complicated. Simply put. In my opinion, we should discuss this topic in an honest manner in order to reconcile them. Unfortunately, we hear more about what you are feeling, do you feel good about yourself, are your needs being met? But a healthy relationship runs both ways (50/50). We tend not to hear much about how the other person feels. When looking for red flags, we hear about looking out for excessive feelings such as anger, frustration etc. However, without more context, this doesn’t mean much. For example, perhaps another factor caused these reactions or perhaps you provoked it. Another thing they say is, being around toxic people can damage you. But what if they are not toxic? What if they just need help and don’t know how to show it? Are we not supposed to be there for each other, to help each other through rough times? In a nutshell, I feel that today’s advice tends to put most of the blame on the other person, it excuses some behaviour and it ignores helping people. It also doesn’t provide advice on how to work together, help each other and self refection. I think we should be more cautious about how we use these terms and not overuse them because it can continue to create unhealthy relationships, that may lead to actual toxic relationships. Perhaps, it is our unhealthy society that is creating toxic situations. It also hurts the victims the most since it can devalue their experience. Those of us that have been in a truly toxic relationship know that it can devastate you. It takes a long time to rebuild and if you are related to that person, then there is only so much you can do about boundaries. In order to solve this, I think we as a society, as a whole should start relearning what it means to be in a healthy relationship and to care about each other with our actions, not just our words. Just like when we are sick, if we leave it untreated then it can become toxic. Thank you for your time!
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